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here i am

This weekend, for the fourteenth time, my heart felt as if it was broken into a million tiny pieces.

For the fourteenth time, I found out that once again, I will not become a mom this month.

Over the past several months, things have been pretty quiet around here.  I found out the hard way that when something difficult is going on in your life that you’re not quite ready to tell the world about, putting your everyday life out there becomes pretty tough.

Infertility.

A word that used to seem distantly scary…something that only happened to other people…has somehow become a constant in my life.   I wake up to it at 5:30am every morning, thermometer in hand, and every night when I go to sleep it’s by my side.  It tortures me in the most random moments of my day, reminding me that there’s something not quite right with me and leaving me in it’s dust wondering – am I worthy?

Every month is another identical path:  I attempt to walk the fine line between protecting myself from disappointment and staying positive and hopeful until the truth arrives.  Then, like the opening of a dam, all the positivity I had built up gives way as sadness, hurt and disappointment wash over me.  Back to square one.  Let’s do it all over again.

For many months I was so angry.  Angry at myself.  At God.  At the world.  But God is changing me.  In this fallen world, there is so much sadness, hurt and disappointment, but He walks with us through it all.  He calls us to praise him.  Whether in the happiest times of our lives or the darkest days, He is there.  And He deserves our praise.  And I am finally beginning to see His work in my life through this situation.  It has taken a long time, and my faith has at times been hanging on by a thread.  But He never leaves me.

I’ve come to a place where I can feel the tears soaking the sheets and grieve over what could have been – what I prayed would have been – but in the same breath thank Him that He loves me.  And thank Him that He has saved me.  Among so many other things.

For a long time I didn’t want to tell anyone about this.  I’m not sure why I wanted to keep it private….truly, I don’t have a reason.  Maybe I was afraid of what people would think.  Maybe it just seemed too personal.  But over the last several weeks, I’ve found so many reasons why I want to talk about it here.

First, I need to.  I need an outlet for the anxiety, doubt, guilt, fear…all the emotions that I filter through each month.  And as always, like a knight on a white horse, writing comes to my rescue.  Somehow writing and then stashing it on my hard drive just doesn’t feel the same as putting it out there to be read by real people.  Which brings me to reason number two.

Community.  I’ve said a million times that this community has been such a blessing to me.  When I read a blog post from someone who is dealing with the same things I am, there is a connection that somehow helps ease the pain.  It reminds me that I’m not alone.  It helps me feel a little less crazy.  If I can connect with other people though this and offer to someone else even a small escape from the loneliness, then it’s worth it.

Third…I want people to know my heart.  I want to have a child so badly.  I feel it as a deep ache all the way into the depths of my heart.  Every. Single. Day.  But on the outside no one would ever know.   I want to be a transparent person.  Someone who is open, who people feel as if they really know.

So, here I am.

I’m scared in so many ways.  I’m scared of who all is going to read this and what they will think.  But I’ve come to the point where this infertility is too much a part of my life, and I find too much joy in sharing my life through this blog to let it keep me away.

ChiaSeedMe is not going to become an infertility blog.  While my journey to having a baby is a part of who I am, so are all the things I’ve always loved – healthy living, food, fitness, photography and all the little things in life.  I will always write about those things.  But I need to write about this too.  I understand if some of you are completely uninterested – please feel free to just skip the posts about this topic if you’d like.  But I’m ready to include all aspects of my life in this little blog now.  And I hope you’ll all stick around.

So here’s to being real.  And here’s to fighting every battle in life with an open heart and trust in Him.  Seeking out the good in everything that life brings and letting the hurts soak through us, feeling them, and keeping on going.

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18 Responses to “here i am”

  1. Kathi says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. This post touched me deeply and I will pray for you.

    [Reply]

    candice Reply:

    Thank you so much, Kathi – for the sweet comment and for the prayers. I wish you could know how much they mean to me.

    [Reply]

  2. Ely says:

    Hey girl– I’m so proud of you and your courage to be transparent and letting us support you through the highs and lows. Don’t hide away from the world– we love you. Xoxoely

    [Reply]

    candice Reply:

    I love you too. So thankful for you.

    [Reply]

  3. Hugs to you. I am so sorry you’re going through this. Know you are loved and supported!

    [Reply]

    candice Reply:

    Thanks, friend. You’re always here when I come back and it means so much to me.

    [Reply]

  4. Grace says:

    I love you and I’m so proud of you. Our lunch was so sweet yesterday, and I wish we had more time! You’re so precious to me.

    [Reply]

    candice Reply:

    I love you too. Thanks for being such a good friend. Yesterday was such a highlight for me. I’m going to miss you immensely.

    [Reply]

  5. Michal says:

    I’m proud of you…for being real and transparent. You’re in my thoughts daily…call it discernment, call it the Holy Spirit…I was waiting for this post. I’m here whenever you’re ready to grab that cup of coffee. I won’t pretend to understand completely what you’re going through, but I will listen and will continue praying. Love you.

    [Reply]

    candice Reply:

    Thanks Michal – that means so much to me. I can’t tell you how much. I’m so glad we’re friends, and I’m so thankful for you. Thank you for praying…I really can’t wait to talk soon. love you too.

    [Reply]

  6. Candice I think you just took an important step on your journey by sharing your heart. This allows your friends and blog community to lift you up in prayer and encouragement. Journaling can certainly be a healing balm. I will definitely be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Just know too that you are not alone.

    Candice, I pray that God, the SOURCE of HOPE, will fill you completely with JOY and PEACE because you trust in him. Then you will OVERFLOW with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit Romans 15:13

    I have a friend that is sharing her journey through her blog (and it’s an everything blog so I will post a link because maybe it’ll be helpful or not.

    http://sarandipityblog.blogspot.com/2011/04/timeline.html

    [Reply]

    candice Reply:

    Thanks, Amber. You have been such a good friend to me – even just through our blogs. Thank you for praying that prayer over me – I hide scripture away inside these days like never before, and to feel you pray that for me gives me peace. I visited your friend’s blog, and I already took comfort from it – thank you for sharing it with me. I’m so glad we’re friends, and I’m eternally thankful for your encouragement.

    [Reply]

  7. Abby says:

    Your courage never ceases to amaze me. I’ll be praying for you through this journey. Thank you for sharing your life (all of it) in such a wonderful way.

    [Reply]

    candice Reply:

    Thank you, Abby, for your sweet comment. I feel nothing but fearful most of the time, so hearing you say that makes me feel unworthy, but encouraged.

    [Reply]

  8. Sarah says:

    Oh, Candice, you’re definitely not alone. I think you’ll get a lot of support from the blog world on this one. I’ve seen a lot of posts from a lot of bloggers about this issue. I think that she covered it a lot on the Runner’s Trials blog, and she finally conceived. If you haven’t seen her blog, I highly recommend checking it out.

    I personally don’t want to have children, but I get quite upset at the unfairness of it, I will admit. There are so many people out there who don’t want kids or get pregnant accidentally. Meanwhile, there are all these wonderful potential parents out there yearning for children that can’t conceive. I will keep you in my thoughts.

    [Reply]

    candice Reply:

    Thanks for the reminder, Sarah…and for the sweet comment. I actually just stumbled onto Runner’s Trials for the first time the other day, and it helped me gain the courage to share about myself. Your understanding and sympathy mean so much:)

    [Reply]

  9. Malissa says:

    I’m sorry you are going through this right now. You’re so right though, you can put all your trust and hope in God, He will help you. I know this could be a longer journey than you would like (it probably already is) but I’m looking forward to the post when you announce you are going to be a mom. That day will come. I’m praying for you.

    [Reply]

    candice Reply:

    Thank you so much for your sweet encouragement and prayers, Malissa. It definitely is already a longer journey than I had dreamed, but I know that God is orchestrating everything together for the best plan. It’s hard to remember sometimes:) He is teaching me how to have patience and trust like never before. And how blessed I am to have amazing friends and blog friends:)

    [Reply]

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