This weekend, for the fourteenth time, my heart felt as if it was broken into a million tiny pieces.
For the fourteenth time, I found out that once again, I will not become a mom this month.
Over the past several months, things have been pretty quiet around here. I found out the hard way that when something difficult is going on in your life that you’re not quite ready to tell the world about, putting your everyday life out there becomes pretty tough.
A word that used to seem distantly scary…something that only happened to other people…has somehow become a constant in my life. I wake up to it at 5:30am every morning, thermometer in hand, and every night when I go to sleep it’s by my side. It tortures me in the most random moments of my day, reminding me that there’s something not quite right with me and leaving me in it’s dust wondering – am I worthy?
Every month is another identical path: I attempt to walk the fine line between protecting myself from disappointment and staying positive and hopeful until the truth arrives. Then, like the opening of a dam, all the positivity I had built up gives way as sadness, hurt and disappointment wash over me. Back to square one. Let’s do it all over again.
For many months I was so angry. Angry at myself. At God. At the world. But God is changing me. In this fallen world, there is so much sadness, hurt and disappointment, but He walks with us through it all. He calls us to praise him. Whether in the happiest times of our lives or the darkest days, He is there. And He deserves our praise. And I am finally beginning to see His work in my life through this situation. It has taken a long time, and my faith has at times been hanging on by a thread. But He never leaves me.
I’ve come to a place where I can feel the tears soaking the sheets and grieve over what could have been – what I prayed would have been – but in the same breath thank Him that He loves me. And thank Him that He has saved me. Among so many other things.
For a long time I didn’t want to tell anyone about this. I’m not sure why I wanted to keep it private….truly, I don’t have a reason. Maybe I was afraid of what people would think. Maybe it just seemed too personal. But over the last several weeks, I’ve found so many reasons why I want to talk about it here.
First, I need to. I need an outlet for the anxiety, doubt, guilt, fear…all the emotions that I filter through each month. And as always, like a knight on a white horse, writing comes to my rescue. Somehow writing and then stashing it on my hard drive just doesn’t feel the same as putting it out there to be read by real people. Which brings me to reason number two.
Community. I’ve said a million times that this community has been such a blessing to me. When I read a blog post from someone who is dealing with the same things I am, there is a connection that somehow helps ease the pain. It reminds me that I’m not alone. It helps me feel a little less crazy. If I can connect with other people though this and offer to someone else even a small escape from the loneliness, then it’s worth it.
Third…I want people to know my heart. I want to have a child so badly. I feel it as a deep ache all the way into the depths of my heart. Every. Single. Day. But on the outside no one would ever know. I want to be a transparent person. Someone who is open, who people feel as if they really know.
So, here I am.
I’m scared in so many ways. I’m scared of who all is going to read this and what they will think. But I’ve come to the point where this infertility is too much a part of my life, and I find too much joy in sharing my life through this blog to let it keep me away.
ChiaSeedMe is not going to become an infertility blog. While my journey to having a baby is a part of who I am, so are all the things I’ve always loved – healthy living, food, fitness, photography and all the little things in life. I will always write about those things. But I need to write about this too. I understand if some of you are completely uninterested – please feel free to just skip the posts about this topic if you’d like. But I’m ready to include all aspects of my life in this little blog now. And I hope you’ll all stick around.
So here’s to being real. And here’s to fighting every battle in life with an open heart and trust in Him. Seeking out the good in everything that life brings and letting the hurts soak through us, feeling them, and keeping on going.
other posts you might enjoy...
18 Responses to “here i am”
- a lovely breakfast|Chia Seed Me - [...] you all so much for the sweet responses to my post from Monday. I couldn’t have asked for more ...
- the story of lincoln and vivian’s arrival. part 1.|Chia Seed Me - [...] everyone knows how long Jon and I waited for a baby and everything we went through to get pregnant. ...