Oct 15, 2011
For the longest time, Jon and I have felt God urging our hearts toward adopting a baby. For whatever reason the Lord has, this urging has always been in the direction of international adoption, specifically. We are both passionate about travel and other cultures and adopting from another culture seems to fit that. We of course realize that there are babies right here in our own country who are in need, but that doesn’t make the homeless babies in Thailand (for example) any less homeless. Even though we didn’t feel quite ready for a baby at that time, our visit to a Thai orphanage in 2008 watered the seed that God had planted in our hearts, nourishing our desire to bring a baby just like this little girl home one day.
Throughout the course of our journey through infertility, our excitement and longing for adoption has intensified ten-fold. I’ve said so many times that before we would do IVF, we would adopt. It honestly has never made a big difference to me whether our baby would come to us biologically or through adoption. I ache to experience both joys – feeling a baby grow inside me and welcoming a baby from another place into our lives. But the decision is not always that easy. God has blessed us with amazing insurance, which covers such a large portion of infertility treatments. For that reason alone we feel compelled to try for a biological baby first. In addition, the issues I had that were taken care of in my surgery back in May are recurring. So, as time goes on, they are slowly coming back, renewing their curse on my body and lessening my chances of ever conceiving a baby. With this in mind, we decided that if we were ever going to do everything we could to get pregnant, now is the time.
I still long every single day to start the adoption process. When I see a family with an adopted child, my heart aches in the same way it does when I see a pregnant woman or a precious little newborn. I was looking through some old journal entries, written in the past year and a half, and I found this entry, penned in April of this year right before my surgery.
April 4, 2011
Dear little McCoy,
I know I don’t know you yet, little one…but I already love you so much. Your daddy and I have been talking about you for the longest time, and we cannot wait until we get the chance to have you as a part of us.
Here in just a little bit I’m taking the first step to find out how you might come to be. Your mommy doesn’t know if you will come into our family as a tiny newborn that has grown inside me or as a precious baby from another country, but I want you to always know that I pined for you for so long, and I already love you more than there are stars in the sky, regardless of how you come into our life.
I know that God has a plan for you and for your life, and I’m praying for that plan all the time. I think about you every day, and deep inside my heart I long to be able to rock you, play with you, teach you about Jesus and show you the world .
Just the other night, we went to a mexican restaurant in town for dinner. Because it’s the best mexican food in town, there is always a long wait to be seated, so we claimed a bench spot in the already crowded waiting area. As we sat down, I noticed that the family to our right was busy corralling two little girls, who I’m certain were from somewhere in east asia. The mom and dad looked to be about our ages, and they were wearing shirts that indicated they were from our college town. Looking to be about 3 or 4 years old, these little girls were so precious. Probably appearing a little creepy, I couldn’t take my eyes off them the entire time. I was mesmerized by how much my heart ached to have little girls just like them as my own. My eyes began to fill up as I sat there feeling so intensely as if that should be us. Should is a funny word, I know.
Sometimes I want so badly to just quit everything we’re doing now and start our adoption story. I’ve spent a lot of time researching steps of the process, agencies, countries, expected hardships, the financial aspect etc., and I’m so ready to begin something that is going to be a sure thing in the end. This cycle of uncertainty, waiting and heartbreak is just so trying.
That being said, I know that we are very blessed to be given this opportunity and that not everyone is put in a place where they can go to these extreme measures to build their family. Despite my impatience to begin adoption, I still pray every day and thank God for providing us a way to try and get pregnant. I don’t take it lightly, and regardless of what happens, I’ll always be so grateful that we had the chance to pull out all the stops and really go for it.
I wanted to take a moment and write down these thoughts, so down the road I’ll remember exactly where our hearts were during this time. I pray to God that this works and I get the privelege of giving birth to a baby that is half me and half Jon. And regardless of whether that happens or not, I have faith that our dream of bringing a baby home through adoption will come true as well. It just depends on when and how. I can’t wait to see how the Lord decides to build our family.
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Oct 13, 2011
I realized something this afternoon.
I had just gotten home from school and sat down on the couch to try and decompress for a few. I hopped on one of my favorite blogs only to see that she was doing a giveaway for a maternity dress saying, “you should enter if you’re pregnant or trying.” Before I could even contemplate it for five seconds, I found myself closing the window, thinking “well that’s not for me.”
Quickly approaching is my greatest chance ever (thus far) of becoming pregnant (49% to be exact). And yet I realized today that I don’t truly believe it can or will happen. Cuddled up with a blanket and Olive, comments I’ve made recently and thoughts I’ve had started swimming through my mind. Why am I not believing this can happen for me?
I’ve been attempting to get up as many mornings as possible and do a yoga workout (I use an awesome app called Pocket Yoga). This morning – for the first time – I took my time in savasana to really envision the next 4-6 weeks. I envisioned every bit of the process and the outcome. Laying on my back, staring up at the dark ceiling, I pictured myself joyfully declaring “it worked!” and allowed myself to soak up the inexplicable elation that would consume me if I had the privilege of making such an announcement. In an effort to protect myself from disappointment, I usually don’t allow myself to go there. But deep inside I feel it’s important to believe that it can happen. That it will happen. And I want to believe it. How can I make let myself believe it?
For the past 17 months I’ve carefully teetered on the line between protecting myself from disappointment and allowing hope to course through me. But this is it, you know? Not that this is my absolute last chance ever, but we’re pulling out all the stops. I guess I’m just so scared to let myself go. And yet I’m scared not to.
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I’ve got a lot on my mind tonight. Today when I got to work, there was an impromptu staff meeting called. We all gathered in the library with our principal to learn that one of our students passed away last night. It was a completely random and unexpected incident, and to say that everyone was in shock would be a major understatement. It was a sophomore football player, and the fact that my class roster shows nothing but sophomores made it an even more difficult day. Seeing the kids confused and hurting really hit me hard. First, it made me want to hug every one of my students today and tell them how much I care about them, and second, it made me feel compelled to try and keep a good perspective about everything that’s going on. I really am thankful because as painfully difficult as infertility is, it’s the worst thing I’ve had to deal with in my adult life, and I know that is a serious blessing.
Heavy stuff tonight.
On a lighter note – I just finished an amazing vegan chocolate chip cookie from Oklahoma City’s very own…..Whole Foods, which opened it’s doors for the first time last night!
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Oct 11, 2011
I’m not even going to begin welcoming myself back and making excuses for the months that I’ve been MIA. It sounds like much more fun to just cut to the chase….bullet point style. There have been many things going on over the last couple of months – some more welcome in my life than others.
- We took a mini trip to Dallas and bought new living room furniture! Buying a new couch was way overdue, and we finally just went for it. We got a really great sectional that fits our living room perfectly and seats so many more people plus a dining set. We are loving it them!
- I started a new job. Teaching. If you’ve been reading CSM for more than a year, you know that the path I’ve walked with teaching has been rather…bumpy. There have been many highs and lows and unexpected twists…so it should have come as no surprise when yet another crazy change landed in my lap. Backing up a bit…last May I started teaching international students at a language school in our new city. I absolutely loved it. You guys know that international students are where my heart is, and I was seriously thriving. And then I got a text from my best friend and former teaching co-worker. And it changed everything. One day I was just fine, and 24 hours later I was making the decision to quit my job and go back to my old school as a sophomore English II and PreAP English teacher. It was a combination of being flattered, being offered a brand new classroom with great technology and a window, being lured back by my teacher friends and not wanting to say no to the money. I was never completely sure those were great reasons to go back, but for some reason it just seemed right. Now, almost halfway through the fall semester, I can honestly say it was the right decision. I LOVE my kids. I never knew I could enjoy students so incredibly much. To be blunt, I think I just really had a bad batch for my first year of teaching. But this time I’ve been blessed with some really awesome students. It has still been stressful. And I wanted to kill myself over 170 essays last month, but I truly feel like it’s worth it.
- We’ve started the IVF process. Obviously, we are still wandering through the injustices of infertility, seeing as how you have yet to see a CSM baby announcement. Last month, after trying multiple other strategies, my doctor recommended that we start this process. We’re a little over 2 weeks in, and honestly, it’s making me crazy. I’m currently on birth control to regulate my body, and later this week I’ll start my first round of injections. I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m just doing my best to stay positive. I’ve been dealing with so many issues and feelings over the last couple of weeks – fear, hope, anxiety, excitement, impatience, thankfulness, anger, hormonal mood swings, constant headaches, numbness – just to name a few. It’s not getting any easier, and I’m not sure it will until this is over and we know the outcome. There’s so much more that could be – needs to be – said on this…but another time.
- We took at trip to the state fair! Enough said.
- We went to Washington D.C. Last year I tagged along with Jon on his work conference trip to D.C. And I completely fell in love! After accepting my new job, I wasn’t sure I was going to get to go again this year, but we made it happen. It was just as great as I remembered. Because we did so much sightseeing last year, we enjoyed a few less sights and a little more relaxing this year. We added on a couple of extra days to the front of the trip as a sort of vacation…and then I flew solo the other days. It was much needed time away.
it rained almost the entire time, and it was freezing!
I’ve missed blogging. I truly have. In the midst of the emotional highs and lows of the last couple of months, I oftentimes find myself retreating a little bit. I find myself saying that I really just want to crawl into a whole and hide until all this is over, and at times I feel like I have no energy left for relationships or the things I love in life. I know these feelings are only temporary – a result of medication and just a stressful phase of life, but it’s not a good place to be. So, tonight I’m stepping out. For the first time in a while, I’m not allowing myself to be defeated.. Tonight is all I can commit myself to right now. But right now it’s all I need. Tomorrow will be another day.
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