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never been more in love…

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hospital day 9

Well the update since Saturday is not that exciting really.  It’s starting to seem like the same old song and dance day after day.  Have a partially good day.  Have a partially challenging day of discomfort and contractions.  Get put on some kind of labor stopping medicine.  Feel better after several hours.  Start the whole thing over again.

On Sunday I, just like usual, started having consistent, intense contractions sometime in the late afternoon or evening.  Instead of giving me the Breathine shot, which is what they’ve been doing the last few days, they went back to the magnesium instead, upping it to the highest dosage to get them to stop.  As usual, after having been on it for a little while, they drew my blood to test the levels of magnesium and make sure they weren’t too high. They’ve done this every time, and I’ve never had a problem.  But for some reason this time they came back at a level that was a bit concerning to my doctor.  So, they turned it down sooner than expected.  Thankfully, it had worked on me long enough that the contractions had slowed down, but unfortunately the lower dosage didn’t do the trick entirely so I pretty much woke up to contractions off and on throughout the night.

But by this morning, things had calmed down a bit, and I was only having sporadic ones that weren’t too intense.  After having been off all weekend, my doctor came by to see me this morning.  He decided to go ahead and wean me off the magnesium yet again.  He says that as of now he’s thinking we’ll just see what happens as I go off of it, and if the contractions start back up, he probably won’t put me back on it.  He thinks we’ll have our babies this week for sure!

I obviously have mixed feelings about this.  But he seems confident that they are doing so well and that at this point there will be mild issues to deal with in the NICU.  Even though I would rather them stay in there as long as possible, I am so excited to meet them!  Despite my fears, it’s impossible not to feel a little giddy at the thought of possibly getting to meet them this week.  I’m not sure if it’s right or wrong to feel that way, but I can’t help it.

The weekly email I receive from BabyCenter was especially encouraging this week.  Unfortunately I’m not quite 34 weeks (I get these emails a little early) but I’m close enough that it still made me feel good!

Your baby now weighs about 4 3/4 pounds (like your average cantaloupe) and is almost 18 inches long. Her fat layers – which she’ll need to regulate her body temperature once she’s born – are filling her out, making her rounder. Her skin is also smoother than ever. Her central nervous system is maturing and her lungs are continuing to mature as well. If you’ve been nervous about preterm labor, you’ll be happy to know that babies born between 34 and 37 weeks who have no other health problems generally do fine. They may need a short stay in the neonatal nursery and may have a few short-term health issues, but in the long run, they usually do as well as full-term babies.

And now for a short list of the highs of hospital bedrest. Because there really are good things in every situation.

Highs:  the love we’ve felt from all the people who have reached out to encourage us, my amazing nurses, the fruit plates sent by the hospital cafeteria, gaining a refreshed appreciation for small things in life like showering, getting to hang out with the husband more than usual, updating my blog more than usual, getting to listen to the babies heartbeats 24/7, the anticipation of finally getting to hold my babies!

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hospital day 7

I don’t have a super exciting update today…I had to have the Breathine shot a couple of different times last night because of contractions, but it’s kind of becoming old hat I guess.   I did let the nurse give me a sleeping pill last night, which I refused the first night I was on the Breathine shot.  And it did help tremendously.  It’s so ironic to me that I spent the first 30 weeks of my pregnancy fighting through terrible headaches etc. because I didn’t want to put any kind of medication in my body…and now look at me.  All hell has broken loose it seems, and I’m taking about 18 pills a day (exaggeration).  I guess when it comes down to it, I realize I just have to do what I have to do.

There is really absolutely nothing about this experience (as of the last couple of weeks anyway) that has matched up to what I envisioned for us.  Even though I knew bedrest was a real possibility with twins, I just kind of naively thought that my body would be able to handle it just fine.  I’d tell people all the time that I had a feeling I’d go to 40 weeks.  ha!  I also allowed myself to think positively and assume the babies would be in positions that would not require me to have a c-sections, but alas, they are both breech and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.  I’ve had a lot of trouble letting go of my dream and how I envisioned everything to be…and I’m still having trouble letting go of it.  But I’m trying.  I obviously know that the only thing that matters is that our babies get here safely and are healthy and get all the help they need to be well.  That is definitely my top priority.

But the thought of having to finish up my c-section surgery/recovery while they’re being whisked away to the NICU is almost more than I can bear.  I don’t know how long it will really be before I’ll get to get up and go see them – I’ve heard anywhere from an hour and a half to 24 hours (!).  Last night when the nurse offhandedly said 24 hours, I waited until she left before completely losing it.  Granted I’m probably a little extra emotional right now too, but I just want to have my babies with me.  I’ve been in this bed so long, and the thought of having to continue to lay in it knowing they’re down the hall tears me apart.  The nurse sweetly assured me that the husband could go down and take pictures and bring them back to me…and I’m not going to lie I kind of wanted to throw something at her.  Pictures?  Seriously?

As I referenced in a post a couple of weeks ago, I definitely feel like I’m being taught lessons in letting go of control of things.  The sad truth is that what is going to happen with the birth of our babies is going to happen, and there’s really not a single thing I can do at this point.  I think mothers in general have more choices when having a traditional delivery, but I am definitely at the mercy of my doctor in this situation. It doesn’t really matter anymore what I wanted or what I think is best…all that matters is him doing whatever he can to bring our babies into the world in the best way possible.  Luckily I trust my doctor with my life…but it doesn’t make letting go any easier.

Thankfully, though, while their mama is having a bit of a rough time, our sweet babies are doing just fine.  Our ultrasound yesterday showed that baby boy is apparently stealing all the good hospital food from baby girl because there has suddenly become quite a discrepancy between their weights.  My doctor ordered a second ultrasound to check some things and make sure she’s still healthy and doing fine, despite her weight different, and ironically she passed with flying colors and he missed a couple of points, haha.  So, it looks like despite her small size, she’s going to be a fighter and give her brother a run for his money.  Way to go baby girl!

In the meantime I’m just focusing on one day at a time.  I know it won’t be long and this will all look like a small blip in our life, and I cannot wait for that.  I guess when things get though, it makes the end just that much sweeter.  And I can definitely say the thought of seeing our babies faces for the first time and then getting to take them home (even if it’s weeks later) sounds like a surreal dream that can’t possible every come true because it’s just too good.  So, I will think on that.

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hospital day 6 – happy 33 weeks!

Well.  I don’t even know where to start with today’s update.  What I thought was going to be a slower day due to lack of visitors and and no magnesium turned out to be pretty eventful.

Yesterday my MIL and FIL came to visit followed by my SIL and my nephew.  I really enjoyed getting to spend time with them all…especially the cuddle time with my sweet Cooper.  I also got my room switched while they were here, so I got to see outside my room for the first time since Saturday.  It was thrilling really:)

I had been off the magnesium all day yesterday, which was really nice considering I was trying to spend time with people.  It’s always good to be able to see visitors without feeling like your eyes are crossing when you look at them, haha.  Everything had gone well, and then last night while Jon and I were watching the Thunder game, I started having contractions again.  It just seems like they’re never going to stop.  I think my body has decided it wants to have these babies and it’s going to keep persisting!   Thankfully instead of putting me back on the magnesium again, my doctor decided to give me a shot called Breathine instead.  It basically does the same thing, but with different side effects.  Instead of slowing down my system, it sped it up a bit, making me shaky and wide awake.  Just in time for bed.  Perfect.

So needless to say I didn’t sleep last night.  I was an interesting night of watching the big red, digital clock in my room in between hourly visits from my nurse.  It really could have been a lot worse as I wasn’t uncomfortable or anything.  I was able to do a lot of thinking.  I thought a lot about the twins of course…which I can never get enough of.  While the Breathine worked for the most part, by this morning it had started to wear off and the contractions were back yet again…so I got another shot.

A couple of hours after the shot, my doctor came by and was a bit surprised I think to find that my contractions had subsided.  He told me that he had come down with the intentions of moving forward with getting the babies out, but seeing that they had subsided, he of course decided against it.  I was completely in shock to hear him say that, and I couldn’t believe that we had come so close to getting the babies here today!  It was of course a mix of excited shock, but mostly scared shock…because I know they aren’t quite ready to be here yet, and I want so badly for my body to keep them in a little longer.

After my doctor left, we settled back in, and I was feeling fine for the most part.  Until I wasn’t that is.  Sometime around ten this morning I started having pains.  I partially felt like it was pain from my catheter, but I think it was pretty clear that wasn’t all it was.  Unfortunately, my contraction monitor had kind of come loose, which I didn’t realize, so I wasn’t getting an accurate reading.  I realize now that it was probably a combination of a little bit of catheter pain as well as contractions.  Just like Saturday night and in true Candice fashion I tried to endure the pain for a little bit too long (at the time thinking it wasn’t contractions because the monitor wasn’t picking any up).  The husband finally made me page the nurse, and by the time she got to my room I was really hurting.  After talking to me, she decided to page my doctor to see what he thought, and he decided to take out my catheter and also check my cervix to see if I had progressed any since last Saturday.  Wow, can I just say how much fun cervix checks are NOT?

My first nurse checked me, and I think she was trying to be really careful because I was hurting so badly.  After checking me for a few minutes, she announced that she didn’t feel my cervix at all and all she could feel were the babies.  But she immediately said she wanted a second opinion and left the room to go get another nurse.  I’m not going to try and pretend I handled this situation well.  Between the pain I was feeling and the overwhelming emotion of thinking they were about to wheel me in for my c-section (my babies are both breech right now), I kind of lost it.  The husband was right there, and he stayed so calm, telling me it was going to be fine and talking me through it…trying to get me to calm down my breathing.  It was a very overwhelming, hectic time.  Moments later the nurse came back in along with the second nurse, who was not quite so afraid of hurting me.  At the time I kind of thought I was going to die, but I’m definitely glad because she got a more accurate measurement and realized my cervix had not actually changed much since I checked in early last Sunday morning.  We are still praising the Lord for this news!

After realizing this it was decided that I would not in fact be wheeled in to meet our babies, but instead my doctor decided I would be given another Breathine shot.  He came in awhile later to talk to us and basically said that since I have not dilated much further than last Sunday, he still wants to try to get me through to the middle or end of next week if possible.  That means that if I start contracting again, he’ll probably start me on the magnesium again to stop it.  While I’m not excited about this, I’m definitely okay with it.  Obviously I think it sounds like a great idea to try and get me through another week (the husband and I are secretly hoping for another 2 weeks:).

The ins and outs of bedrest are definitely wearing on me, and I can’t say I have a good attitude 100% of the time.  But I’m trying my best to see the good and be thankful for each day that the babies stay inside.  Tomorrow will mark one week since we checked into the hospital, and in less time than that my doctor thinks we’ll meet baby boy and girl.  Tonight we’re celebrating 33 weeks with the Wedge pizza brought be a very sweet friend, and we’re keeping in mind that this very well could be the last Friday night we spend just the two of us!

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hospital day 5

Written on Thursday ~

Well, today is day 5 in the hospital, and I’m still pregnant, so that’s reason to celebrate for sure!  I’m wanting to keep updating every day, but it’s proving to be a challenge.  When this is all said and done, I want to be able to remember what happened each step of the way, so updates may get a little tedious.  Also, they’re wanting me to stay laying on my side as much as possible, which makes typing a bit difficult, but I’m working with what I’ve got.  Things are definitely getting interesting around here:)

On Tuesday morning they reduced my dosage of magnesium which was great, and I started feeling almost like a new person.  Unfortunately, sometime Tuesday evening my contractions started back up again.  I almost fell out of the hospital bed when the nurse told me that my doctor wanted to raise my dosage back up higher than what it had even been before.  I honestly couldn’t imagine what that was going to do to me, and I was pretty nervous.

My mom and sister had come up that afternoon and washed my hair for me (yay!) which was quite the process for sure.  Anyone who knows me knows that I’m pretty high maintenance about being clean and having my hair clean, so this whole “can’t get out of bed thing” is proving to be a challenge.  Praise the Lord for sweet nurses, husbands, sisters and moms who are here to help a girl out:)

Also on Monday afternoon, I had two other visitors – one was the girl who I ended up buying my newborn sized cloth diapers from, and the other was our Sunday school teacher’s wife who came bearing cheesecake!  Needless to say it was an epic afternoon.  Maybe a little too epic?  I don’t know if all the excitement might have contributed to the contractions starting back up again, but I’m being a lot more careful now.

So, back to Tuesday night.  They decided to up my dosage exponentially.  Jon and I spent the evening watching the Thunder game as the magnesium slowly made its way through the IV line and back into my body.  Tuesday night was pretty rough obviously as I was delirious and the nurse was coming in every hour to check on me.  Sleep was definitely not even a consideration for Jon or I.  But the good news – the contractions subsided again.  By Wednesday morning, my doctor decided to dial the magnesium down to a more normal level again.  It’s funny because when I’m on a normal level, I tend to forget I’m on it at all because it’s such an improvement from the heightened dosage.  So, yesterday I was on a pretty normal level and I didn’t have any contractions, and now today he’s dialing it down even more as he’s trying to wean me off.  He checked in with me early this morning and just said he’s going to let me go off of it and we’ll see what happens, but I may have to go back on.

So at this point it’s literally just a waiting game.  We’re praying I can stay off the magnesium (he’s putting me on a milder pill instead) and not have any contractions.  I’m trying to stay laying down and limit social interaction as much as possible.  I definitely have moments where I feel like I’m going to go crazy, but I just keep thinking about how bad I want our baby boy and girl to stay inside me.  Their heartbeats are a constant background noise in our hospital room and serve as a super motivating reminder of why I’m here.

Honestly, deep down I’m scared about what’s to come.  I’m scared about the unknown.  Mostly I’m scared about our babies coming early and having problems that I can’t fix for them.  But I’m really trying to focus as much as possible on what I have to be thankful for.  It sounds cliche, but I am so so thankful to have these two little babies inside me just waiting to come out.  I feel confident that one way or another they’re going to be okay, and that’s what’s keeping me going.  I’m praying constantly that God will help them grow and develop as fast as possible, but most of all that He will be glorified through all of this.  I know He has a plan for the each of our little ones, and this is just the beginning.  It’s hard to trust that this scary and difficult time is a part of that plan, but I know it is.

Thank you all for the sweet words of encouragement and prayers.  We are definitely feeling them as we go through this day by day, and we feel so blessed.

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