I don’t have a super exciting update today…I had to have the Breathine shot a couple of different times last night because of contractions, but it’s kind of becoming old hat I guess. I did let the nurse give me a sleeping pill last night, which I refused the first night I was on the Breathine shot. And it did help tremendously. It’s so ironic to me that I spent the first 30 weeks of my pregnancy fighting through terrible headaches etc. because I didn’t want to put any kind of medication in my body…and now look at me. All hell has broken loose it seems, and I’m taking about 18 pills a day (exaggeration). I guess when it comes down to it, I realize I just have to do what I have to do.
There is really absolutely nothing about this experience (as of the last couple of weeks anyway) that has matched up to what I envisioned for us. Even though I knew bedrest was a real possibility with twins, I just kind of naively thought that my body would be able to handle it just fine. I’d tell people all the time that I had a feeling I’d go to 40 weeks. ha! I also allowed myself to think positively and assume the babies would be in positions that would not require me to have a c-sections, but alas, they are both breech and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I’ve had a lot of trouble letting go of my dream and how I envisioned everything to be…and I’m still having trouble letting go of it. But I’m trying. I obviously know that the only thing that matters is that our babies get here safely and are healthy and get all the help they need to be well. That is definitely my top priority.
But the thought of having to finish up my c-section surgery/recovery while they’re being whisked away to the NICU is almost more than I can bear. I don’t know how long it will really be before I’ll get to get up and go see them – I’ve heard anywhere from an hour and a half to 24 hours (!). Last night when the nurse offhandedly said 24 hours, I waited until she left before completely losing it. Granted I’m probably a little extra emotional right now too, but I just want to have my babies with me. I’ve been in this bed so long, and the thought of having to continue to lay in it knowing they’re down the hall tears me apart. The nurse sweetly assured me that the husband could go down and take pictures and bring them back to me…and I’m not going to lie I kind of wanted to throw something at her. Pictures? Seriously?
As I referenced in a post a couple of weeks ago, I definitely feel like I’m being taught lessons in letting go of control of things. The sad truth is that what is going to happen with the birth of our babies is going to happen, and there’s really not a single thing I can do at this point. I think mothers in general have more choices when having a traditional delivery, but I am definitely at the mercy of my doctor in this situation. It doesn’t really matter anymore what I wanted or what I think is best…all that matters is him doing whatever he can to bring our babies into the world in the best way possible. Luckily I trust my doctor with my life…but it doesn’t make letting go any easier.
Thankfully, though, while their mama is having a bit of a rough time, our sweet babies are doing just fine. Our ultrasound yesterday showed that baby boy is apparently stealing all the good hospital food from baby girl because there has suddenly become quite a discrepancy between their weights. My doctor ordered a second ultrasound to check some things and make sure she’s still healthy and doing fine, despite her weight different, and ironically she passed with flying colors and he missed a couple of points, haha. So, it looks like despite her small size, she’s going to be a fighter and give her brother a run for his money. Way to go baby girl!
In the meantime I’m just focusing on one day at a time. I know it won’t be long and this will all look like a small blip in our life, and I cannot wait for that. I guess when things get though, it makes the end just that much sweeter. And I can definitely say the thought of seeing our babies faces for the first time and then getting to take them home (even if it’s weeks later) sounds like a surreal dream that can’t possible every come true because it’s just too good. So, I will think on that.