This morning, the 10 month birthday of our sweet Linc and Viv, I’ve been glued to the TV watching the coverage of the hunt for the Boston bomber. My heart is a heavy weight in my chest. I’ve spent this week on edge, praying for God to give me peace despite the unrest and tension that I’m sure most other people are feeling as well, given the events of this week. From the marathon bombing, the explosion in West, Texas, the letters sent to the President and senator, and to now today, the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing and the search for the bombing suspect, it just feels like the world is so full of evil. Since having the twins there has been a whole extra element added where it seems like danger for them is lurking around every corner, and I feel like fear is constantly trying to suck me in. I hear a noise in the house during the day, and I look over my shoulder expecting the worst….I hear Linc holler from the living room and race in there with a sinking feeling in my stomach, convinced that something terrible has happened. Among these and other things in the day-to-day, I fear for my babies future and for what they will have to face as they grow up in this world. It envelopes me in thankfulness for my hope in Christ and my knowledge that life on this earth is only temporary because without that hope I think I would feel so terrified. I’m clinging to it right now and trying to rest in the peace that comes with it.
Not only am I meditating on my hope in Christ when I start to feel suffocated by all the bad, I also am consumed with urgency to try and do something to change it. Sadly, there is nothing that can erase the evil things of this world, so I come to the conclusion that I have to do everything I can to counteract it. I am realizing more the older I get that I’m responsible for putting as much good out into the world as I can. And now I’m not only responsible for myself, but also for my babies. It is Jon and I’s privilege to instill in Linc and Viv an accurate perspective of the world – how big it is, how people are so very different from us (yet so very much the same) and how not everyone was born into a life in which they have all their needs met. Jon and I have always been passionate about other cultures and traveling because it opens our minds to the fact that not everybody in the world lives like us. Since we even began to think about kids, we have had long talks about how we can instill a heart of compassion and a realistic world view in them as they get older. We know that it will take intentionality. We live in the suburbs of Oklahoma City where where it is easy to become so absorbed in the comfortable, safe life that we live and forget that not everyone lives the same. How will they ever know any different unless we show them?
All of these feelings and desires have converged recently as Jon and I have been working on a project that floods my heart with passion. The evil that has been so much in our faces these last couple of weeks has fueled our excitement over what we feel is a small way we can try to project good out into the world, as well as build into our life a way to instill in our babies compassion and desire to love well and make a difference in the lives of others. Having been a public school teacher, I’m so familiar with the attitude and perspective of our society’s kids as a whole (there are exceptions), and our hope is that not only will we be able to strive for this in our own home, but for other kids as well. There have been a lot of sleepless nights lately – working in the office late into the night, me laying in bed awake because of noises in the house, watching Linc and Viv through the monitor as I strain to see that their little backs are rising and falling, and me consumed with passion for this new venture so that I can’t stop the wheels in my brain from spinning.
I wasn’t able to finish this post on Friday, and now as I finish it up this morning I feel energized and hopeful for a new day and a new week. A new opportunity to not let the negativity bring me down, but to use it as motivation to work harder and love stronger.