May 27, 2012
Week 30 brought with it an unexpected turn of events for sure.
week 30 – morning of the last day of school
first day of this year / last day of this year
I got up Wednesday morning excited for two things: the last day of school and my 30 week ultrasound. A week before when I realized that my ultrasound was scheduled on the morning of my kids’ last day, I tried everything I could to reschedule it. I have had the best year with my students, and it was so important to me to be there with them and get to say goodbye after they took their finals and such.
But the ultrasound tech only comes on Wednesday mornings, and there was no way to change the appointment aside from postponing it a week. I considered it for a long time, but in the end (and after a long conversation with my mom) I decided that it just didn’t seem like a good idea to delay getting to see our little babies! So I got a cover for the last half of my 2nd hour and lunch, planning to come back for the rest of the day to shed a few tears and give hugs and final words of parting advice
Around 10 am I left school and raced over to the hospital. Jon met me there and we spent lots of time oohing and ahhing over our little McCoys before having to wait for the doctor to tell us the results of my check. Minutes later our nurse came back, and the second she walked in the door I knew something was not right. Thankfully the babies are doing just great, but the same cannot be said for my cervix. It seems that it has shortened significantly since my last checkup, which, in short (no pun intended), it’s not supposed to start doing yet.
The nurse ordered me to go straight home and get in bed and not get up until the next morning to come back and have my doctor check me again. After a brief panic and some negotiations, I convinced her to let me finish out the school day. I was able to go back and finish out the day with my kids, get grades finalized and wrap up all the other little things I could possibly do before leaving for good. It was quite a whirlwind. And definitely not how I had envisioned my last day/leaving my classroom and school. My brain is still processing the fact that I won’t be going back there, and it’s definitely bittersweet.
The next morning found me back at the doctor where he confirmed that bedrest is the best option at this point (a much better alternative to the other suggestion he had). I got two steroid shots to help the babies’ lungs develop faster, and other than that I’m under strict orders to not leave the couch/bed other than to “shower or get a quick bite to eat.”
Or take a weekly pregnancy pic of course;)
So here I am, living on the couch watching my poor husband run around doing everything under the sun. I know I’m really lucky because things could be so much worse. I get teary eyed all throughout the day just thinking about how thankful I am that the twins are still growing inside me. The thought of them having to face the world when they’re so little little and unprepared keeps me glued to the couch even when I think I can’t take it another minute. I’m so thankful I’m not in the hospital, and I’m so so thankful that I have so many people who are helping take care of me and everything else.
Things are constantly popping into my head that I just can’t believe I’m going to miss – my only nephew’s 1st birthday party, childbirth classes, buying our new car with the husband, washing and organizing the babies’ clothes and diapers, etc. etc. It’s so hard seeing everything fall on Jon’s shoulders and not being able to help him do anything, while at the same time adding more and more to his plate.
But I know it’s all temporary, and I will blink twice before the twins are here and I’m back to running around. I’m willing them to stay in and keep growing. I’m going with the self fulfilling prophecy theory. If I believe they’ll stay in there for another 6 or 7 weeks, then they will stay in. Isn’t that how it works?
In the meantime I’m getting lots of thank you notes written and lots and lots of pregnancy books read. The ambitious side of me is planning on squeezing in a pregnancy scrapbook and some sewing projects, but we shall see.
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Apr 19, 2012
So this weekend a random man in Home Depot said I looked like I could just “deliver that baby right then and there.”
Um….thanks? I guess that means I’m getting bigger. I’m going to choose to take that as a compliment ’cause these babies are growing!
And for an extremely far overdue announcement – little miss Olive is getting a…
BABY SISTER and BABY BROTHER!
A mini Candice and a mini Jon will be joining us in just a few short months, and we couldn’t be more excited! And just for the record, I guessed it;)
week 24 (left) and week 25 (right)
I always wondered why pregnant girls would stand like I am on the left. But every week I felt more and more awkward trying to pose. Before I even knew what I was doing last week, up went the right arm and the left followed. And there I was. Now I know.
How can I possible still have 15 weeks left to grow? Where are these babies going to go? The questions I ask myself a million times a day.
So many fun things from the last few weeks. Best of all – Jon felt baby girl move! Several times I had tried to call him over to feel, but the second he got close, they’d get all shy. Finally, just a few days ago, our sweet baby girl decided to give her daddy a good, hard kick. yay!
We’ve also made several fun purchases as of recent – a chair big enough for our entire family of 5, sheets, a sweet little doll and our first cloth diaper.
And today I received an invitation to the first one of my showers!
It has definitely been a big couple of weeks as far as baby progress. I still have to stop and tell myself that this is really happening quite often. The days of wondering if we would ever have a little McCoy are still far too fresh in my mind. It’s still really hard for me to digest that God has really given us two babies.
I know we don’t deserve it, and I only wish I could make the same thing happen for all the sweet girls I know who are longing for this very thing.
I do promise one thing, though. I will never ever take this baby boy or girl for granted. I’ll never forget what it felt like to want them so badly and not know if God would ever bring them to me. And for that reason alone, I am thankful for the experience of infertility.
Aside from the big “countdown to babies,” I’m also pretty focused on counting down to the last day of school. Only 23 days left. I can hardly believe it. Honestly, this has been such a great year of school. If you’ve read my blog in the past, you know that teaching and I have not always gotten along super well. But this year has been different. I have some seriously amazing kids, and I think having an extra year of experience under my belt didn’t hurt. Either way, I’m really going to miss it.
When I told my principal I was leaving, I said “a baby is the only thing that could take me away from here.” And I actually meant it. I’m really thankful to be leaving on a good note. I’m not sure if I’ll go back someday or not…who knows where life will take us. But what a relief to not be running away this time.
I will be kind of relieved when this rollercoaster of teaching/not teaching/teaching again decides to level off. I think having a couple of sweet babies to occupy my time should take care of that!
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Oct 13, 2011
I realized something this afternoon.
I had just gotten home from school and sat down on the couch to try and decompress for a few. I hopped on one of my favorite blogs only to see that she was doing a giveaway for a maternity dress saying, “you should enter if you’re pregnant or trying.” Before I could even contemplate it for five seconds, I found myself closing the window, thinking “well that’s not for me.”
Quickly approaching is my greatest chance ever (thus far) of becoming pregnant (49% to be exact). And yet I realized today that I don’t truly believe it can or will happen. Cuddled up with a blanket and Olive, comments I’ve made recently and thoughts I’ve had started swimming through my mind. Why am I not believing this can happen for me?
I’ve been attempting to get up as many mornings as possible and do a yoga workout (I use an awesome app called Pocket Yoga). This morning – for the first time – I took my time in savasana to really envision the next 4-6 weeks. I envisioned every bit of the process and the outcome. Laying on my back, staring up at the dark ceiling, I pictured myself joyfully declaring “it worked!” and allowed myself to soak up the inexplicable elation that would consume me if I had the privilege of making such an announcement. In an effort to protect myself from disappointment, I usually don’t allow myself to go there. But deep inside I feel it’s important to believe that it can happen. That it will happen. And I want to believe it. How can I make let myself believe it?
For the past 17 months I’ve carefully teetered on the line between protecting myself from disappointment and allowing hope to course through me. But this is it, you know? Not that this is my absolute last chance ever, but we’re pulling out all the stops. I guess I’m just so scared to let myself go. And yet I’m scared not to.
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I’ve got a lot on my mind tonight. Today when I got to work, there was an impromptu staff meeting called. We all gathered in the library with our principal to learn that one of our students passed away last night. It was a completely random and unexpected incident, and to say that everyone was in shock would be a major understatement. It was a sophomore football player, and the fact that my class roster shows nothing but sophomores made it an even more difficult day. Seeing the kids confused and hurting really hit me hard. First, it made me want to hug every one of my students today and tell them how much I care about them, and second, it made me feel compelled to try and keep a good perspective about everything that’s going on. I really am thankful because as painfully difficult as infertility is, it’s the worst thing I’ve had to deal with in my adult life, and I know that is a serious blessing.
Heavy stuff tonight.
On a lighter note – I just finished an amazing vegan chocolate chip cookie from Oklahoma City’s very own…..Whole Foods, which opened it’s doors for the first time last night!
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