Chia Seed Me / It's the little things that matter most.

May 19, 2013 Posted by candice on May 19, 2013 in family, Infertility, Lincoln, special posts, Vivian | 0 comments

two weeks later…

Two weeks ago today, I celebrated my very first Mother’s Day. Even though I spent most of the day sick in bed, I still savored every moment from nursing Linc and Viv separately in the morning, spending just a little longer holding each of them in bed…to rocking them to sleep before laying them in their cribs that night.

I spent so many long days and months praying and hoping to become a mom. I remember feeling the deepest desire to have a baby to love. Yet even that longing didn’t prepare me for how it would feel to love my babies. The love I feel is oftentimes overwhelming because I just don’t feel like I have the capacity to be what they deserve in a mama. It’s like I can’t possibly show them how much love my heart has for them. I’m slowly learning that I can spend every day trying to convey to them through my words and actions what a treasure they are…but I also have to give them up to the Lord every single day because I truly don’t have the capacity to be what they need on my own.

I try at times to control everything in life in an effort to protect them. I feel so vulnerable having them out in the world, at risk of something bad happening to them. It’s terrifying, and if I allow myself to dwell on it, it can be crippling to me. For several weeks now, I have felt pushed in different ways to leave Linc and Viv in the nursery at church, but I’ve avoided it every time because I just don’t trust anyone. I feel this crazy intense need to be with them every moment so that I can protect them from any harm that might come their way. But I know that I have to begin to let them go in some ways. Baby steps. So I left them Sunday morning. With tears filling my eyes I walked away and prayed myself through the service to stay strong. And when I went back I found Vivian crying, tears running down her face as she lay in the nursery bed. And it tore my heart to pieces. I felt like I had deserted her with strangers. And to think that she might have wondered if I was coming back was almost more than I could handle.

I had written this post in my head two Saturdays ago, knowing just what I would say about how on Mother’s Day I took a necessary step of every mother – letting her babies go just a little bit – and how it worked out just fine and how I celebrated later. Instead I feel like I’ve been set back about ten steps. Honestly, I’m dreading taking them to the nursery again. But I know I will. And I know it will be fine. I guess this is still all part of this journey of motherhood. Learning to love my babies with open hands, holding them up to the Father and trusting that He’s protecting them and that He has a distinct plan for their lives.

I also celebrated my own mother from afar last week. We were with Jon’s mom for the weekend, but I did get to meet up with mom and spend a few minutes with her. Celebrating her came from a new perspective for me this year. I’ve always appreciated and thanked her for everything she gave up for me and all the ways she took care of me as a little girl and as I’ve grown. But this year I, for the first time, understood the complexity and depth of love she has had for me. The kind of love that keeps you up at night, hoping and praying your babies are safe and okay. The kind of love that consumes you because you literally feel like your heart is walking around outside your body. And I’m so grateful to have been loved with that kind of love. What a special and unique thing being a mother is. It’s incomparable to anything else, and I feel so blessed to have that kind of love from my own mother and to be able to pour out that kind of love to my sweet babies. It’s the best thing in the world.

Throughout the day my thoughts also kept drifiting to all the women out there waiting to be a mother. I remember like it was yesterday the emptiness that comes from not being able to fill the desire for a baby. That pain is something one cannot forget. Now that I’m on the other side of it, it only brings more intensity to the gratefulness I feel everyday to be able to touch my babies faces and kiss their heads. I think about it often…in the hard times when I’m exhausted and I’ve changed a million diapers and I just want to lay down and go to sleep…it jolts me back to reality and showers me with patience, understanding and a full heart. I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone. But in the end I can honestly say the journey we had to walk to have our Linc and Viv has only made life that much sweeter now that we’re on the other side. So for those women I pray for peace, comfort and hope.

crazy days

What a crazy day it was over here! So many changes happening with these little babies…I can hardy keep up!

Sissy finally decided she’s tired of sitting around watching Bubba explore everything. She’s been able to crawl for about a week now, but she just didn’t quite have the motivation to do it much. But today she really took off! All those people that stop me on the street and say “you’ve got your hands full” – they are finally speaking truth! Nothing cuter than our tiny girl army crawling from one end of the house to the other:)

In other news, we had to lower Linc’s crib mattress today. I laid him down for his morning nap, and he had a little trouble getting settled in. I heard him cry, so I picked up the monitor, only to see him standing up at the side of his crib! It took a split second for me to get over how freaking cute he looked, and then I raced in to make sure he didn’t fall out on his head.

The days are getting busier now that everyone is on the move…but at the same time they’re getting more and more fun. I love seeing them learn new things; the look of surprise on their faces when they do something new is priceless. The days go by so fast, and I don’t even have time to think about being tired. But by the time night comes and everyone is finally in bed, I’m ready to collapse. Nevermind all the chores and work that still need to be done.

No one ever said having one baby was easy, much less having two. But those two have my heart and everything is so worth it! Even when the dog bowls get dumped for the millionth time;)

Mama loves you, Linc and Viv!!

Oh, and just because I cannot get enough of him in this oversized baseball cap:

baby boy is 10 months

You are just such a busy little man. I have come to cherish the moments when I get to cuddle you – like when you’ve just woken from your nap or when it’s time to go to bed. Sometimes at night I sneak into the nursery and snatch you out of bed just so I can hold you close and breathe you in. Every other moment of the day you are climbing all over me or trying to escape so you can go explore!

- from mama’s letter to you

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What you weigh – Apparently your weight chart got up and walked off the countertop…but I will find it, I will!

What you eat – You’re still nursing the same amount minus the dream feed. Although you’ve stretched out your schedule to be about 4 hours between feedings now, which means your before bed nursing is only about an hour and a half after your dinner feeding. So, I think we’ll probably be dropping one of those soon! You’re still eating great! We’re eating 3 meals a day now, and you take it very seriously! Some new foods we’ve tried this month are chickpeas, black beans, split peas, cottage cheese, peaches, mango, quinoa, and several others. I think you’ve gotten a little more picky this month, and I’m finding it kind of hard to keep giving you variety. You would eat cottage cheese and sweet potatoes for every meal if I’d let you! Although, the last few weeks we’ve had a problem with you throwing up. We haven’t been able to really connect it to anything specific, although my latest theory is that maybe it’s dairy? You don’t always throw up after dairy, but it seems that every time you’ve thrown up cottage cheese was one of the foods you’d just had. I’m not sure, but I hate it when it happens. You throw up quite a bit, and I know it makes you feel bad. But usually within minutes you’re back to yourself again, laughing and trying to crawl away. We took you to the doctor and she said it may just be that you are a boy who will throw up randomly. I really hope that’s not true, for your sake and mine!:)

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Of course, you also love to eat the remote….among other things.

How you sleep – You are an amazing little sleeper! We just dropped your third nap, so now you take a morning nap from about 9:45 to about 11 or 11:30. Then you take another one from about 2-3:30. Since we dropped the third nap, we moved your bedtime up about 30 minutes, so now we start baths about 7ish, and you go to bed around 7:30. Most mornings you sleep in until about 7:30 or 7:45. Sometimes I think you might even sleep longer if your sister didn’t wake you up! You’re still sleeping on your tummy, thumb in mouth and a light blanket on your back.

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What you wear – You’re now wearing 6-9 month clothes, and sometimes I feel like you’re even outgrowing those! All of your shoes are starting to seem small too, but technically you’re still in a size 2.

Diaper – Bum Genius Freetime with 2 snaps left open in the middle. We now put a hemp insert in overnight and during your morning nap so that your diaper doesn’t leak.

Favorite activities –Crawling!! (army crawling that is), exploring the house, getting into Olive’s food and water bowls, playing with the door stop, getting into the fireplace and tea light stand, eating, standing up (with assistance), taking your bath, being tickled, reading books, laughing, singing “if you’re happy and you know it”

Least favorite activities – having your face cleaned, sitting still, we’ve found you’re afraid of the vacuum and drive through car washes (because of the noise)

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Big moments in your tenth month of life – started crawling!, stopped taking your third nap, started pulling up, started eating 3 meals

baby girl is 10 months

While you are pretty strong willed and you know what you want, you are also so laid back. You will sit all by yourself on the floor and just play for the longest time. It’s so cute! You are still such a tiny little thing, and that is the 2^nd thing people always comment on about you, right behind how big, blue and beautiful your eyes are. While I really want you to gain weight and be healthy of course, I also have to admit I love how perfectly tiny you are. You are just so so cute and sweet.

- from mama’s letter to you

What you weigh – Your weight chart apparently got up and walked off the countertop – but I will find it…I will!

What you eat – Still nursing the same amount minus the dream feed. Although you’ve stretched out your schedule to be about 4 hours between feedings now, which means your before bed nursing is only about an hour and a half after your dinner feeding. So, I think we’ll probably be dropping one of those soon! You’re eating habits change so much. Some days I get worried because you literally will hardly eat anything. Then the very next day you’ll eat great! I would say most of the time you are definitely not a big fan of food in general. You sort of act like it’s all just a big inconvenience, which is pretty funny but it also worries me because your weight gain hasn’t been great lately. You are eating 3 meals a day now, so that may be why you’re eating less per meal as well. Some new foods we’ve tried this month are chickpeas, black beans, split peas, cottage cheese, peaches, mango, quinoa, and several others. You are still pretty picky, and your favorites are about the same – avocado with fruit and sweet potatoes. You do like cottage cheese quite a bit too, but I try to limit it to just a little bit each day if that. One other new development is that you have decided you don’t want to take a bottle anymore, which is not good. I guess I got lazy and didn’t give them to you often enough, and now you just want nothing to do with them. So, I guess we’ll continue to be connected at the hip until you stop nursing, which honestly is just fine with meJ Let’s just hope I don’t have to leave you for any reason!

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How you sleep – You are now sleeping from about 7:30 until about 7 – 7:30 am. We just dropped your 3^rd nap, so now you take one in the morning from about 9:45 to 11ish and one in the afternoon from about 2 until 3 or 3:30. Honestly, your sleep has not been as great as it used to be. You almost always wake up before Linc, and your naps have gotten increasingly shorter – sometimes only lasting about 40 minutes. You still sleep great at night though, so I’m not complaining. We are still swaddling you with one arm out.

What you wear – You wear 3-6 month clothes now, and we’ve expanded your shoe collection a bit as well. Your feet are still so tiny, so shoes have to fit a certain way to get them to stay on your feet!

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Diaper – Bum Genius Freetime with two rows of snaps left open in the middle.

Favorite activities – playing peek-a-boo, playing with my earrings (and anyone else who is wearing any), chewing on things, taking baths, being tickled

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Least favorite activities: having your face cleaned

Big moments in your 10th month of life – more teeth – after getting your upper right one last month, you then got the upper left, the bottom middle right and now the upper right middle

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